I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
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This story is comedy gold 😂
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro