Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
You Might Also Like
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
True
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.