*aggressively waits in line*
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It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
not for long