Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
(True)
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.