Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it