[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
You Might Also Like
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.