[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!