It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread