My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I know karate and tons of other words.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.