[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
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I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.