“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
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Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”