Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Blew my mind.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.