went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.