My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
The sacred texts.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.