i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.