Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
You Might Also Like
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.