This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….