im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Oops
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?