Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*