When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
This story is comedy gold 😂
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???