So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
🔦🌙👣
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
eggs benadryl
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.