I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.