My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime