Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
when mom throws a party…
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.