when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You Might Also Like
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Life cycle of cat
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.