me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*