I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
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Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
A roof is a house hat.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.