What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT