sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
first you must answer his riddles
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again