[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
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construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Clients after you give them your rates
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.