Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
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i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Who says great literature is dead?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands