Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
You Might Also Like
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs