(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night