the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My what?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method