It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
you will never know the true number of layers
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”