Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Harsh but fair