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*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
That was easy.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.