Brilliant!
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today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity