He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.