Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.