My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.