*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…