“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys