Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”