Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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So creative 😂
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Actually cracking up @ this
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage