Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*