I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
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Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of