I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”