Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”