mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
me hitting on a model
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
So creative 😂
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”